Into the Wilderness: Day 13

Into the Wilderness Day 13:

A tension exists in the wilderness. The silence in the wilderness usually generates despair; at least initially. But, then a strange thing happens. We begin to wear the empty silence like well worn slippers. The silence has shaped itself around my soul like it was molded especially for me.  We don't choose wilderness, but once we commune with God in the silence of the heart, we find ourselves wondering if we would ever not choose it. This is easy to consider because it's not a choice we will ever have so we can explore it without fear. But, the silence I once feared has now become a close friend. Could it be that the wilderness is actually my first home, the home I was created for?

God who dwells in the silence of the heart, thank you for molding the silence around my brokenness and revealing that you are not absent in silence, but dwell fully there. Amen.

Into the Wilderness: Day 12

“Lord, if you are willing, let this cup pass from me, yet not what I will, but what you will.” Jesus 

One thing is for certain: No one In the wilderness says, “Aww, Lord, just a few more months. Just one more pass around the mountain. Fill up the wilderness cup one more time.” The wilderness is not a cup we drink all at once so it can quickly be filled again. No, we sip it in hopes that it will be taken away at some point. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. The pressing issue is not HOW to learn to drink the cup of wilderness, but whether I embrace the wilderness cup as God’s will. If I can’t embrace it, I will continue looking for shortcuts out, places along the way to pour out some of the cup, and miss the transforming power of drinking the whole journey cup.

God of the wilderness cup, may you renew my courage to drink the cup of bitterness, knowing that you will use the contents of that cup to transform me into your image bearer. In the name of Jesus, who drank the cup and turned it into glory. Amen!

Into the Wilderness: Day 11

“The days are coming,” declares the Sovereign Lord, “when I will send a famine through the land—not a famine of food or a thirst for water,
but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. People will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord,
but they will not find it.” Amos 8:11-12

While walking the wilderness road we find ourselves in desperate need to hear a word. What do we do when that word goes silent? Sometimes I find myself speaking FOR God. Sometimes I speak for him because I’m afraid he will, but sometimes I speak because I’m afraid he wont. Over the years, however, Ive become much more comfortable living within the silence. Into the silent land is where I am able to distinguish all the words that I have set in place of God’s words; words that turn out to be my words, my expectations, my world’s expectations, my world’s assumptions about what words bring life. Maybe my ache to hear a word out of the silence is actually the empty place left by all those empty promises that I had assumed would be filled by the noise of the world.

God of the silent land, may hope be enough to keep me walking when I realize the noise of the world can’t fill the deepest void within me. A void only filled by the deafening silence of your presence. Amen

Into the Wilderness: Day 10

The wilderness journey  isn't always covered  by a canopy of low hanging limbs casting ominous shadows on the path. On occasion we come to a clearing, and though we see the path quickly descends back into the shadows, it is these brief moments of clarity that remind us where we're going. In the clearing we see the summit and though we don't know how we'll get there, we know that the journey leads there. These spaces of clearing are God's gifts to us along the way. We don't know when they will come, and we wish there were more, but they are small sign posts along the way that we are on the right path. The challenge is whether I'll lift my head up during the clearing. Take advantage of the brief respite in the open field. Take a deep breath. Look up to the blue sky. Smile. Run my hands over the fragile flowers growing in the meadow. Or, will I keep my head down, cautiously walking with dragging feet knowing the narrow, shadowed path is just a few steps away? I don't want to miss the meadow because I'm dreading the upcoming path.

God who gives and takes away, may I lift my eyes to not miss your gifts because I dread the moment the gift is not there. May I learn to remain steadfast on the path so I may enjoy the meadow. Amen

Into the Wilderness: Day 9

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord ’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:19-24

If the Lord is my portion, is he enough? I know what the trite answer is? But, day after day in the wilderness, is the Lord enough? This is a legitimate question because God is mystery. It's not just that God is mysterious, but God is mystery. It’s one thing to act in mysterious ways; this I am content with. I have no illusions that I am going to understand the ways God is working his will and reigning sovereign over the universe. I am completely content letting God take care of that. But, what is deeply disturbing is the presence of God as mystery. In the deafening silence of the wilderness I want to feel God’s presence or even hear his voice; at the minimum I would like a gentle breeze across my cheek just to know he is there. The wilderness, however, can be a lonely place. The wilderness is that place where we need God to be the most apparent, but it's where he often seems the most distant.

If God is my portion, is that portion that too often seems as filling as the pinch of bread and sip of juice on Sunday, enough?

As I reflect even now, am I speaking to God? Well yes, I imagine he is part of the conversation. I'm trying to listen however successful. But, speaking of God in the third person just seems too distant. Rather than saying “him,” I would love to say “you.” Is God enough? Is the illusive presence enough?
Is the ear shattering silence enough?

I guess the answer all depends on a clarifying question: "Enough for What?" I'll let that one sit and stew awhile.

Into the Wilderness: Day 8

"Then a great and powerful storm tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the storm." 1 Kings 19:11 "but when Peter saw the wind, he began to sink." Matthew 14:29 "Jesus rebuked the winds and waves and it became completely calm......Who is this that even the winds and waves obey him?" Matthew 8:26-27

What happens when the storm comes while in the wilderness? To some, the wilderness IS the storm. I've discovered a slightly different storyline. The wilderness is the terrain, the experiences; the storm runs a little deeper. The storm is the weather rolling in and around and crashing against the mountainside. Sometimes it's wind and rain and hail; other times it's the scorching heat of a barren wasteland. I've found this image helpful, for at times I've thought I WAS THE STORM. As the storm rages it becomes next to impossible to find God through the layers of chaos that is the storm. As I'm able to inch my way back from the storm I realize neither God nor I are in the storm. Rather, the storm is all my misguided reactions to the wilderness path; the thoughts and emotions I whip up into a storm as I travel the steep and rugged wilderness road. This is where that yoke of Jesus is so important to teach me how to walk with peaceful, intentional steps as the terrain gets dangerous. The alternative is the storm of anxiety, resentment, despair....hopelessness. 

God who speaks to storms, "be still," and they have no choice but to obey, help me back away from the storm to see that my true life is hidden deep in you through Christ. But, as the storms begin to rage, as I know they will, please whisper through the storm that you are with me. I can't continue to take the wilderness steps without this reassurance. Otherwise, like Peter on the sea, I will begin to sink. Amen.

Into the Wilderness: Day 7

“On the seventh day God rested.” “Remember the sabbath and keep it holy.” “Come to me and I will give you rest.” “There remains a rest for the people of God.”

“Just a few more minutes.” How many times have I said that to myself? It’s a lie. I know it’s a lie. It was a lie when I said it to my mom as a child to try and eek out a few more minutes of sleep; and it’s a lie now when I think if I can just hang out under the blankets a few more minutes then I’ll be ready to get up and take on the day. As if those few minutes will magically give me the boost of energy I need. Rest doesn’t come that easy.

I can’t help but think that I similarly lie to myself about the soul rest from the wilderness. How often do I cling to this notion that some change in my circumstances will magically produce this soul rest I crave? I’ve walked the journey long enough to know that this is a naive illusion. This kind of rest is not an overnight refreshment. This rest runs deeper. This is a rest that develops over time. The sabbath is once a week. The Gospels will say, “Jesus went out… ‘as usual…’ to a solitary place to pray.” This kind of soul rest is cultivated as I learn to live in the rhythms of work and rest. There is a time in the wilderness journey to climb; there is a time to search for water; there is a time to calculate the navigation; and there is a time to stop…sit…and embrace the reality that you are in the wilderness, and it is not a one day journey out. So, a rhythm of rest is necessary.

There is a difference in resting on the journey and getting lost on the journey. Sometimes I can confuse soul rest with disappearing in the wilderness, sleeping in the wilderness. These are too long. Rest is only long enough to get your legs back under you, get your bearings and orientation about you, get your breath back…then begin putting one foot in front of the other. The fundamental principle in any endurance activity is: DONT STOP! Regardless of how slow, just… keep… moving. It is essential to pause on occasion. But, pausing to step back away and observe the journey, is not the same as stopping the journey.

"God of my endurance, in my moments of pause, may you refresh me just enough to keep on moving. May you remind me that “just a few more minutes” has no refreshing power, but simply delays the next leg of the journey. In the name of the one who turns weakness into strength. AMEN!"

Into the Wilderness: Day 6

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart...."

I understand the image Jesus uses here is a double yoke.

One would attach a more experienced animal to a less experienced one so as to train him how to plow. Jesus has invited me to come alongside him to learn the rhythm of traveling the wilderness road. 

One of the many challenges I continue to face in the wilderness is not so much embracing the wilderness journey (it doesn't really matter if I embrace it or not, I'm on it) but learning the best rhythms of the journey. I still find myself impatient that I'm not further along, medicine isn't further along, it's been four years and I'm still tweaking my meds to get the right combination of anti-seizure control, yet not walking around like a zombie, or sleeping all day. I'm impatient that it takes years and decades for new treatments to be FDA approved for the public. I want to get to the place on the journey where everyday is a smile and a skip and an authentic testimony of how God and I are through it. I want to run through the wilderness so I can look back and see the amazing journey I traveled with God and others. I want to get passed the dramatic physical and emotional and spiritual ups and downs and find the smooth, carved out path in the wilderness. 

Jesus says, "Slow Down! The wilderness isn't something to 'get through' but a road you learn to walk on." Jesus says, "I'm gentle. If you want soul rest, you're going to have to learn a slower rhythm. I'm not in a hurry. I would rather you learn to walk well, than walk fast."

God of sacred rhythms, may I learn to walk well, walk faithfully, and walk humbly, and leave the terrain up to you." Amen

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Into the Wilderness: Day 5

The wilderness is not a place of rest; and yet rest is the one thing I feel I desperately need. But what is rest? Jesus said “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble and heart and you will find rest for your souls. For, my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. 

YES, YES, and more YES! Where can I sign up? Jesus said if I come to him and yoke myself along side him (just like two oxen attached together plowing a field), he would take the lead and chart our course of soulful rest. I’m not real sure I know what this looks like. I thought it was hard to follow Jesus. I thought taking up a cross was burdensome. I thought stepping with Jesus on the path of testing in the wilderness was soul sapping, not soul resting. What does it mean that Jesus and I yoked together leads to soul rest? 

Could it be that everything I desire rest from is born from the weariness of my burdens of life that I want to escape? When what Jesus is saying is, “yoke yourself to me and I’ll not lead you AWAY from the weary path of your life, but show you how your weary path is the VERY road I want to walk on with you. Your burden and weariness actually come from you wanting another path. Soul rest comes when you embrace your wilderness path and allow me to travel it with you.” 

God of rest, may I find a deep soul rest as I embrace the path layed out before me. May my footsteps quicken, and my heavy heart lighten, as I discover it is in the very places of my life that seem soul sapping that you want to enter and reveal to me that in Jesus' suffering you have been there all along. AMEN!

Into the Wilderness: Day 4

Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Matthew 4:10

How often do I speak to my testings? This requires the discipline to not merely reflect on my life, but reflect on the “me” who is reflecting on my life. I spend a lot of time talking to myself; speaking of my frustrations, disillusionments, unhealed pain, and guilt.

But, I need to back away from myself and not talk, but simply observe. Observe the source of the temptations, the tests. Observe myself who seems so stuck in the test and ask, “Why is this a test for me? Why is resistance to this test such a challenge? What need do I think will be met by this temptation? What kind of wholeness does this temptation promise?” Then, rather than speak to myself of guilt, shame, or frustration, I speak to the temptation, “AWAY FROM ME,” because I have spoken the truth about the lie that stands behind the temptation.

“God, your love is the source of my wholeness. I confess there are many lies buried deep within me that whisper “flesh, eye, pride will make you whole.” I speak to these “Away From Me.” Give me the courage to trust your way and the patience to wait for your filling." AMEN

Into the Wilderness: Day 3

 "Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Matthew 4:5-6

If the three temptations in the Garden (good for food, delight to the eye, and able to make one wise) are the three universal temptations referenced by John in the second chapter of his first letter (lust of flesh, lust of eyes, and boastful pride of life 1 John 2:16) then Jesus was tested with these three (turn stones to bread since you're starving, throw yourself down so the Angels will save you and will visually impress everyone with a cool trick, and finally, worship me and I'll give you authority over all the kingdoms of the earth). 

I wonder what is at the heart of the second temptation. Why do I so desperately want to be noticed by others? Why do I want to be impressive? I wonder if it is a misguided impulse to be loved? Deep down I just want to be vulnerable, I want to be held, I want to be honest about my weakness and my need to be sustained by unconditional love of another. This requires a letting go; a trust. This is the heart of faith. Jesus didn't need to test God because he didn't need the approval of others. He didn't need to be noticed because his core identity was born out of God's love. This doesn’t take away our need to be loved, but actually highlights it. May I love more and more, knowing that is my own deepest need.

Father of love, I confess that I seek to find my value in the approval of others, and the vain glory of being noticed by others. Deep down I just want to be held in unconditional love. But, your love as an idea to be believed is simply not enough. Help me feel your love in flesh and blood of others, especially as I give it away knowing your love grows as we share it together. Amen.

Into the Wilderness: Day 2

Day 2: "After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, 'If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.' Jesus answered, 'It is written:Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” Matthew 4:2-4

What was Jesus’ real temptation? It wasn’t to merely fill his cravings for bread; it was to manipulate the journey. Jesus quotes from Deuteronomy 8 where Moses is reminding the Israelites how God delivered them and led them through the wilderness for forty years. He humbled them and tested them to see if they would obey his commands. He let them go hungry so they would learn to trust God. He fed them manna, which they had never seen, so that they would know that man does not live by bread alone but by trusting in God. Jesus was tested to see if he would manipulate the journey by using power to control his circumstances by turning stones to bread. 

My time in the wilderness these past four years has been humbling to say the least. I’ve been pressed to the edge of my own limitations. I’ve been physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually humbled. There is only so much I can control. If I could have controlled more, I certainly would have. I would not have chosen the wilderness. I would have found an alternate route to where I am today. I am profoundly thankful for where I am today, but, the journey of brain cancer and the deep impact it has had on the people I deeply care about is nothing I ever would have chosen. But, the reality is, I had no choice. It is the wilderness that the Spirit has led me out to. A wilderness of testing. I can’t turn stones to bread, much less turn cancer into benign harmless cells. If I could I would, but man does not live by bread alone; man does not live by health and a secure future, but by trusting every word that comes from the mouth of God. The journey’s road before me only goes forward and I have no control to manipulate it. I can only control whether I embrace it, take step after step, and trust that just as Jesus’ wilderness journey immediately led to a ministry of “power in the Spirit” (Luke 4:14) God will move me through this wilderness and use my experience to announce the Good News of Jesus Christ that God brings life out of death. 

"Holy God, I step into this wilderness journey reluctantly, and with much fear. Though, I also realize that I have not stepped into anything. It is a journey that came to meet me. I do embrace it and trust that you will use it to bring Good News that in Jesus Christ you have turned the world upside down and that you bring life where we only see death. I believe you breathed life into Jesus' broken body. I ask that you help me see a small glimpse today that you continue to breath life into our broken lives. As your closest disciples said, so I now say, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." AMEN!

Into The Wilderness: Day 1

Day 1: “Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.” Matthew 4:1 

The wilderness is a lonely place. It's not a place to necessarily get away to be WITH God. In fact, it might be a place to get away from God; or all my projections of God. It seems that was the case with Jesus. He was led by the Spirit to be tested, but after that it was just Jesus, the Devil, and the time of testing. There were no prayers in the wilderness. Just loneliness. I've always run away from loneliness. I'm a high I on the DISK personality test. This means you thrive on social interaction. Yet, for 4 years now, I find myself running to the quiet place, the lonely place. The only problem is, I'm still there. If I could find a place where I wasn’t that might help. I think I've come to enjoy loneliness because it's there that I discover my favorite fundamental idea about me and God. “God is your being. And, who you are, you are in God. But, you are NOT God's being (Martin Laird).” It may very well be that loneliness is my deepest fear because it's there where I come face to face with God's being. Yet, ironically, loneliness may also be my deepest longing because it's there where I come face to face with God's being. Could this be what Jesus meant by claiming life is found by losing it? So, the ashes today of Ash Wednesday remind me what it is to truly be me. And, that can not be merely the sum total of these years. My life has got to be more than what I experience here in this life. For, these years are few and full of much loneliness and despair. But, God fills my loneliness by entering it and taking the depth of it into himself. God took my loneliness not simply as a one time event in the cross of Jesus, but as a core identity of who he is. This is love. Jesus is his name. Could it be that all the experiences that appear to be the death of me (loneliness, loss, pain, brain cancer, failures, etc. etc.) are actually the life of me, because it is in those very places where God most fully dwells? 

“God, help me see that the journey of wilderness (in all its forms) is not an absence of you, but a fuller awareness of you who dwell on the cross of pain and in the loneliness of the tomb.”    

Into the Wilderness: Introduction

Into the Wilderness

As the season of Lent begins today, I’ll be attempting to journey 40 days into the wilderness. Not counting Sundays, Easter is 40 days away. These 40 days of fasting and repentance model the many 40 day journeys in the bible. These wilderness journeys were seasons of testing; Moses on the mountain, Israel in the wilderness, Noah on the ark, Jonah preaching to Nineveh, the spies sent out by Joshua, Jesus in the wilderness, Jesus after his resurrection before the ascension. Dozens of times, 40 is the number of a testing journey. I'm going to be blogging through these 40 days my own journey; engaging 40 texts for 40 days of my life and simply listening for God to speak in my experiences and reflecting on my past 41 years and God’s future for me. I have no outline because the 40 day journey has no roadmap. You make the path by walking it one step at a time. I don't know what will come, so I invite you to comment along the way. As Jesus was alone in wilderness, so each one of us must take our own journey. These 40 days of Lent are a time for repentance, fasting, prayer, Scripture, silence, solitude, and service. 

One other piece to my 40 days will be my 40 day preparation for running a 5k. This is the Run For The Rose that occurs the Sunday after Easter. This run honors Dr. Marnie Rose, a pediatric resident, who herself succumbed to brain cancer. It raises funds for brain cancer research and pediatric medical interests. http://www.drmarnierose.org I’ll be posting my team’s page in a later post. 

This 5k preparation is an important part of these 40 days. For 4.5 years I’ve been sitting on my butt. After being in the best physical shape of my life (black belt instructor of TKD, could dunk a basketball, OK almost dunk a basketball) I found myself with brain cancer. The past four years have wreaked havoc on my body. This run represents a new chapter. I’m going to spend these 40 days in honest, raw reflection. I’m going to tell the truth about my life. But, along with that, I’m going to run the race marked out for me. Lent comes with a call to give something up. But, that giving up could also mean taking up. So, what I’m giving up is my excuse for lying in bed later than I should. I mean, I have brain cancer, I’ve had all these treatments (brain surgery, hemorrhaging, more brain surgery, radiation to the brain, a year of chemotherapy, I have seizure activity, I’m constantly trying different meds to combat that, to combat fatigue, I have cysts on my spine from surgery debris that cause pain). I live with the uncertainty of what my next MRI will show. I worry what my family’s future would be without me. I deserve to lie in bed a little longer. I know exercise would do me good, it’s been proven to reduce treatment related effects, it is a natural anti-depressant, etc. etc. etc. But, I’m too tired. NO MORE! Today, I begin training for the 5k.  

So, I invite you along this journey with me. you can find it at: 

http://gospelsightings.blogspot.com 

Grace and Peace,

Danny 

The Hard Prayer

Here is a prayer I wrote recently for a friend who is in the final chapter of her battle. These are hard prayers, but deeply important. 

Lord, God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, It is with heavy hearts that we bow before you; heavy hearts because the prayers we pray are not the prayers we want to pray. We want to pray really big prayers that call on you to show up in mighty, undeniable ways. We want to pray big mustard seed kinds of prayers as we watch you throw the mountains of illness and despair into the sea. Yes, we want to pray that the darkness of life that lies before us will dissolve as the light of life shines in victory. But, those hopeful prayers are in the past. Prayers for healing in this life have turned into prayers of lament to help us reach for the deeper hidden life. Now, we pray for peace to replace anxiety. Now, we pray for courage to replace fear. Now, we pray for hope to replace despair. This life is fading, so, Now, we pray for trust because we know it is not for this life only that we hope. Now, we pray for victory beyond the grave. Yes, Dear Lord, our hearts break that we are driven to pray this kind of prayer. But, we cling to this hope, that the life with which we only tasted for a brief moment in time here on earth, shall be embraced for all eternity. And, the light that only shown for a brief moment in time here on earth, shall shine throughout all eternity. Yes, Dear Lord, the sweet embrace of our loved ones, that was all too short here on earth, we are confident shall once again surely be ours who hope in Jesus Christ. We cling to this hope in Jesus Christ as he demonstrates that death does not have the last word; That the life God brings forth out of death through Jesus Christ is God’s final word on the matter. It is to this hope of new life that we cling; Because of the LOVE of the Heavenly Father, By the sacrificial LIFE of Jesus Christ our Lord, through the POWER of the Holy Spirit. AMEN!

Of course there is a war on Christmas

I don't buy the whole "war on Christmas" offense. Don't get me wrong, feel free to shop wherever you please, but, when did we as Christians get to the point that we feel offended if StuffMart doesn't support our religious holiday? Seems odd to me, and somewhat embarrassing, that North American Christianity is getting its feelings hurt so easily given the fact that we follow a Lord who non-violently surrendered himself to the point of death on a cross. Worldly principalities and powers can't understand the cross and will never embrace it. And if they do, then it is probably evidence that we have watered down or changed its message to be more appealing.

Advent Prayer: Waiting

God, we know that waiting for your salvation to break into the world is an essential rhythm of the spiritual life. Our knowledge of the necessity of waiting doesn't make the dark, lonely, and crushing silent moments easier to bear; but it does help us embrace waiting as a pathway to a deeper life with you. So, we come in faith, even if it just a flickering flame. We know a day is coming when light and life and joy will shine throughout eternity, but, today, we wait in darkness. God, we don't ask for much, but, today, would you illumine a small corner of the darkness and doubt of our lives that we might see and know that indeed, in Jesus' name, redemption does win? Waiting....

3 Year Tumorversary

Three years ago today a life died and a life was born. These weren’t two different lives but the same life.  A brief moment separated these two lives. November 11, 2010 was the ending of a life and November 12, 2010 was the birth of a new life. There have been many such moments in my life. Moments that marked the end of a previous way of being in order to give way to a new way of being. The day I submitted my heart to Jesus Christ, April 24, 1994. The day I said “I do” to Heidi Downs, February 3, 1996. The days my four children (Zach, Jake, Hannah, and Ben) came into this world. These are all days that mark a turning point, a chapter turning, a new way of being in this world. The time between November 11, 2010 and November 12, 2010 was just such a transition from one epoch to another. November 11, 2010 seemed so predictable and innocent. Life was progressing along just as expected. I was in the best physical shape of my life as a black belt instructor of martial arts. Our family was ordered just like we had dreamed, with Heidi being a homeschooling mom. I was two chapters of a thesis away from finishing my doctorate and my ministry role was just like I had hoped. Life was good. Life was hectic with four kids, but simple. When the sun rose November 12, 2010, life was no longer innocent and predictable, but chaotic, dark, and uncertain. November 12, 2010, after a seizure early that morning, I learned I have an Oligodendroglioma brain tumor. The next three years have been a roller coaster of treatments, setbacks, recovery, side effects, hope, despair, and a strange combination of hope and despair (still not sure what to call that). There are physical reminders that the previous life is gone: surgery scars, cysts on my spine from surgery debris, hair loss from radiation, memory deficits, balance issues, visual deficits, constant fatigue, aura seizure activity. Yes, the days of 360 spinning hook kicks are just a faded memory. Our family also shows the marks of this transition. It is now arranged differently with our kids in public school and Heidi finishing up her teacher certification. Yes, there are outward markers that the previous life is gone. But, there are inward markers as well. I can’t speak for my wife and kids, they will need to tell their own story. But for me, the previous life did not know this kind of suffering in the way the new life does. The previous life had only observed it from a distance. Hope was a stand-alone trait. Now, hope is mixed with despair. The hope is the same, that God will usher in a day of no more pain or fears, when he wipes away every tear, and where the burdens of this life will be no more. It’s just that now, that hope has some darker shades to it, and echoes of lament. One might say the life that died was much more victorious. But, there is an ominous long shadow cast over the new life that says, “maybe victory is not what we think it is.” The shadow is the cross of Jesus Christ. It reminds us that life is not always as it seems. The winners don’t always win and the losers don’t always lose. Sometimes beauty is found in the ugly. It may be hidden; we may need to search and go deeper, but it is there. Allow me to repeat a line I’ve posted before and shared numerous times in preaching, but captures my hope as I celebrate my 3rd tumorversary: If I ever find myself wondering if an experience has broken my heart or fixed my heart, it is probably evidence that I have stepped into that divine, thin space where heaven and earth meet, and I discover that my greatest fear (that this experience has destroyed me) has actually become my greatest hope (that this experience has transformed me). So, here’s to the birth of a new life, that was only possible because there was a death of an old life. “And the one who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new” (Revelation 21:5).

12 Lessons from the Mountain

Here are 12 thoughts, lessons, reflections, and observations from a week of climbing Mount Arkansas in Colorado with our youth group and a few adults. Some are more profound than others. Some are simply about bears and pooping.

1. God is not found on the mountaintop, but in the struggle of the journey. OK, God is not ONLY found on the mountaintop. Sometimes we assume the only places God is experienced are in the triumphs of life. We become triumphalistic and don’t create space for us all to be raw and honest about the despair that often accompanies life. Yet, it is in these very places that God is often experienced in the most intimate ways. It is not that pain is the preferred place to experience God, nor is God always immediately felt in pain. Sometimes God seems profoundly distant in our despair. Yet, I believe that the overwhelming presence of God can come in surprising ways out of our cries of his absence. The One who cried “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me” is the one who cried in the next breath, “Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit.” If Jesus shows us anything, it is that God walks beside us on the steep and rugged roads and through the dark and barren lands. In fact, we may not find him on the mountaintop at all, because he has descended to the valley to walk with those desperately clawing their way out of the pit.

2. The mountain doesn't show you who you are, but who you want to be. Sometimes in struggle we hear the words, “This will show you what you are made of.” I don’t think so. I know what I am made of and it is often not very much. I’m not that interested in who I am, but who I am becoming and will one day be. The stumbles and outright face-plants along the way have more than adequately revealed what I am made of. I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in what this next step will be. I’m interested in going farther and higher than I have gone before. I want to push through and experience a depth with God that I haven’t before. I don’t want to go where I’ve been and merely rehearse what has been, I want to go where I haven’t been and reveal the desire for God I have, and take the steps that make that a reality. The person I am now and the height I have climbed to this point is not where I want to end the journey. It may show where I’ve been, but the next step I take will show where I’m going. The road is narrow and hard that leads to eternal life, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. In North America, Christianity has developed a cheap grace.  It’s free, but it isn’t cheap. We have forgotten Jesus who said, “If you want to follow me, take up your cross.” Notice he said, “take up your cross.” Not “a” not “the,” but “your.” It is a steep and rugged and hard and long journey. And that is the journey I really care about.

3. Don't just yell down, but go down. It's one thing to yell down the mountain and say, "Hurry and come on up!" It's another to go down and walk beside others up the steep and rugged road of life. Such it is with God and us. He came in Jesus and walked with us. He calls us to walk with others.

4. OK, NOW WHAT? The trek from low camp to high camp was THE most physically demanding experience of my life, other than brain surgery and recovery. From high camp to summit attempt was scary because of the steep grade and loose rocks but not like hiking all day through the narrow path and brush with full pack up to high camp. The spiritual application is: THAT struggle represents the challenges of life; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Some of these we cause ourselves, some are caused by others, and some just happen, maybe by God's hand and maybe simply a cosmic hiccup. We bring all these challenges to God in lament: health, job, family, friends, enemies. God wants to hear of the struggle. But, then, there comes a point when God says, "OK. NOW WHAT?" This all may be true, now what are you going to do about it? We can moan and groan, and complain about how hard life is, and how the world is against us, but then we've got to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other and keep moving up the mountain. The mountain isn't going anywhere. Where are we going?

5. Reach for God. God certainly invites us to embrace our lives as a pathway to a new life (as steep and rugged as it may be) but he also invites us to turn the hidden despair, anxiety, and frustration, over this pathway, into a holy longing where we reach, not for different circumstances, but for more of God than we have right now. May we seek to fill that empty place in our lives where we despair, and where we long for something different, with God, not a particular resolution to our circumstances.

6. The Crowded Alone Time. The intentional 3 hour solo time on the hike is a challenge because even when we get away, we are still left with one of our greatest enemies...our own thoughts. We are faced with all our oughts, musts, should-haves,might-have-beens, disappointments, internal aches. We hide behind these voices because they keep us from going to that terrifying place that is our true, vulnerable self standing before a holy God. But if we can stay there long enough, we'll hear the still, small voice of God whispering to us all along that these broken aspects of our lives don't define us. The voice says, "what defines you, the truest thing about you, is that you are mine and are deeply loved."

7. If God's only goal was to get us to heaven, then why didn't he create us there in the first place? Our summit attempt was just that, an attempt. We got close but our guides (who are absolutely amazing by the way) decided we shouldn't go on. When the guides told us this was "our" summit, I waited for the groans. They never came. I was so proud of all the kids and their maturity. They spoke of "our" summit and were thankful to be where we were. All week we told them it wasn't about the summit but the journey. They got it. If the goal was to summit, then we could have driven up another mountain or be taken up on pack mules. Sometimes as Christians we speak and act as if our only goal is to get to heaven. The fact is, there is much to taking the journey. If God's goal was only to get us to heaven, then why didn't he create us there in the first place? God invites us to walk with him and others on this summit attempt of life, knowing that one day we'll top the hill and a wounded hand will be there to help us up and congratulate us for making the climb. But for now, it's enough to hold each other's hands and put one foot in front of the other learning lessons and being transformed along the way.

8. The joy of the hard road. We can’t always choose the path we take. Sometimes we do choose our path and our lives are exactly as we have designed them to be and we live with the consequences of that, for good or ill, but sometimes other people insert themselves. Sometimes, things just go wrong with our bodies and the laws of physics come into play, and we have no control over those things; health, family, accidents, jobs, relationships. But, though we often are not in complete control of the journey, we are in control of our attitude along the way. Sometimes the path is so rugged, steep, and treacherous, and our bodies are on the brink of giving out, we can't imagine going on. One more step seems to be the one to do us in. We can stop and refuse to go on, never knowing how far we could have gone. Or, we can inch our way forward complaining the entire way making those around us miserable. Or, we can take a deep breath, suck it up, shut it up, and keep inching our way up knowing that the strength to climb is in there, we just need to dig it out. It really is the ultimate metaphor for the Christian life, when we not only see the struggle as something to be endured, but as a joy to be embraced. "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Heb 12:1-2

9. Yes, you can do a "twosie" on a mountain. I'll reserve this one for private replies as it pertains to the convergence of three realities; one being the fact that there is no indoor plumbing on the mountain; the second being the physiological necessity of the elimination of nutritional by-products by the body, otherwise known as "pooping," and the third, being on said mountain for almost a week. As we began our meeting for Trek earlier in the year, one of the main questions was, “How does one use the little boys or little girls room, are their rest stops that have been strategically positioned on the mountain with facilities, running water, indoor plumbing, vending machines? No, there is just a mountain. "Well, then how do you.....? And then what about......?" Yes, all on the mountain, behind a tree, leaning against a tree, hanging from a tree, really, however you can. In the wise words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I've got to say about that."

10. Don't allow the experience to be wasted. Many people walked many steps. Many knees endured many scrapes. Many laughs billowed through the valleys. Many tears were shed around the nightly devotional ring. Many sacrifices were made by others for us to make the journey there and back. Many who were stronger could have gone faster and farther. But, we made it to OUR summit. Embrace the experience. Learn from it. Grow from it. Allow it to transform you. Step away from the mountain a different person than when you stepped on it. The predictability of life, the well worn ruts of life say, "The mountain didn't mean much. Just a small experience." NO! It was your experience. You can't take the mountain with you, and honestly, most of us wouldn't want to, but you can take the experience, you can take the emotion, the relationships, the pain, the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of defeat. They make up you now. Embrace it, and from this day forward, live differently, live the mountain.

11. Bears generally don't like you, just your food. 

This observation is mainly for our teenage boys in the group: When someone tops the hill and yells down, "BEAR," that generally is not an invitation to run up the hill with your camera to take a picture of said bear. Bears on mountains are not like bears in zoos. They are not caged, they do not like you, and they will eat you. Yes, we did come face to face with a bear. Well, I didn’t. I bravely waited with the rest of the group, far away from the bear, so as to protect them in case the bear circled back around. It had gotten into our packs the night before; unzipped the zipper, stuck his hand in and enjoyed our food. The next evening while we were having devo (it was still daylight mind you) he was up the hill getting into our packs once again. When a group of kids went to their packs they came face to face with it. My son was the first in line to encounter it. They mostly froze, but one girl yelled down "BEAR!" Some boys told her to not yell because they wanted to get a picture, others ran up to see. Again, I don't think they grasped the concept of "WILD" bear. Our Youth Minister did get a picture while it was running over the ridge. The guides estimated it to be 400-500 pounds. Oh, and this was only the second time in thirty years that a Wilderness Expeditions group had encountered a bear. 

12. Walking off a cliff. We spent some time repelling. I was not the first to go down. In fact, I was very reluctant. I knew I would do it, but was not that thrilled about it. I get vertigo very easy and the thought of falling back first and splattering what brains I have left on the rocks below was not that appealing, though the guides assured me it didn’t happen often. I did realize I had an advantage, because it would seem that the more brains one had the less likely one would be to walk down a cliff backwards (ever seen the Darwin awards?). So, I stood and watched. I watched people not think much about it and practically jump off the ledge. Then I saw people like me who gingerly tiptoed their way to the edge only to be paralyzed by the thought of becoming vulture food. Being the analytical type, I analyzed the situation and realized there were really only two things necessary to standing on the edge, leaning back and walking down a cliff backwards. First, do not look down. That seemed to be the point at which people froze. The place to look was in the eyes of the guide who was directing you down. Listen carefully and do exactly as the guide says. It became impossible to listen to the instructions as long as the repeller’s eyes were not locked in on the guide’s. The second necessity was trust. You had to trust that the system you were attached to was not going to fail you. If one could block everything else out and focus on those two things (the eyes and voice of the guide, and the trust in the system) then walking down a cliff backwards was not an issue. I did that very thing and had no problem repelling down the cliff. A couple of obvious applications: First, that really is a good starting point in our relationship with God. Trust, listen to him, do what he says, and don’t look down. If we can’t get passed that basic starting point then the rugged journey ahead of us will likely not even get started. Second, one of the hardest parts of repelling was watching my boys do it. I knew I had to let go of control and apply the same trust application for them. I will admit that I did go up to them and give an extra little tug to tighten their harness and make sure it was secured correctly. But, ultimately, I had to stand back and watch them go off the side of the cliff. I realize that they are on their own journey with God. I can influence as much as possible, but I have to be willing to allow them their own journey. I can’t go down the side of the cliff for them. Ultimately, I must stand there with everyone else and watch them take the leap. It is that way in our relationships with all people in our lives. We can’t take the journey for them. They have to step off the edge for themselves. Oh, and by the way, everyone in our group made it down, though some did take longer than others…that also is a spiritual application.

A Few Words on God's Redeeming Justice

It seems the word “Justice” is getting a lot of attention when it comes to Christians speaking about the whole Bin Laden ordeal. Here are a few thoughts I’ve had on the idea of justice as it is played out in Scripture. I feel like we are throwing the word around in relation to God a little too freely. I’m concerned anytime we start defining God’s justice in relation to the human forms of justice. Or worse yet, defining God’s justice in relation to punishment here on earth that may or may not be divine acts, but merely part of a fallen world, or even the natural order of things.

I’m certainly not saying a human form of justice wasn’t served when the Al-Qaida leader was taken out. I’m not even saying it wasn’t divine justice. I’m just wanting to be cautious about defining this definitively as God’s justice. God’s justice has much deeper spiritual overtones and purposes than a very earthy, human sense of someone getting what is due.

If there is one requirement from God, it is that his people seek justice and act justly. But justice is not simply, “to each one that is due.” It is a very deep, very ethical topic. I believe it is one of the weightier matters, yet one that may surprise us, when we see just what God is talking about when he mentions justice and what justice requires of us. Justice is from the same root as just, justification, and righteousness. It means, “that which is right.” God is just. God is righteous and from his being comes the standard for Justice and Righteousness. One only needs to look back at the record of God and we will declare what Nehemiah declared in 9:33–“In all that has happened to us, you have been just, you have acted faithfully, while we did wrong.” Or the Psalmist 89:14–“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne.” Or in Revelation 15:3–“Great and marvelous are your deeds, Lord God Almighty, just and true are your ways, king of the ages.”

And God as one whose being is defined by justice and righteousness requires this from his creation. Justice is a requirement to sustain the eternal relationship between God and mankind. Yes, a requirement. In Amos 5:21-24 Israel has turned away from God. The lack of justice as you read through is the overarching problem, especially the Lack of justice for the poor, oppressed, and afflicted. “Let justice roll down like a river, and righteousness an ever flowing stream” God says. Justice and righteousness are the same thing, same idea. That which is right and just. Let that roll on like a river and a never failing stream. Let justice reign in the courts. But, more than that let justice and righteousness reign in relationships. That’s what is really the issue. Justice in relationships. We’re not talking about “that which is due” but the idea that Justice is brought to culmination in the restoring of relationships. Not simply giving or getting what is due, but the restoring, or the building of relationships. Relationships that are right. Relationships that are just and righteous. Justice as the reconciling of relationships is by far the weightier matter in Scripture than merely, “getting what it due.” In Micah 6:6-8 it is asked what God wants? “Act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.” God wants Justice, mercy and humility in the community of Israel.

This definition of justice fits Jesus call to ministry in Luke 4:18-19 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Jesus ministry was a ministry of justice, that is, setting the world right. Jesus reached out to the poor, oppressed, hurting, afflicted, and held authorities accountable.

I am convinced that there is an irony of justice. And that irony is that justice being served is not one getting their do, but the complete reconciliation of the relationship. Let me explain.
What we normally think of when we hear justice is retribution. Someone did something and they deserve to be punished. But what about loving, forgiving, and working for the wrongdoer and the wronged to have a right relationship with each other. Could this be an accomplishment of justice?

Person-to-person reconciliation is the practical form of Justice modeled by Christians as we emulate the diving reconciliation we have received through Jesus Christ. Paul’s declaration to the Corinthians 2 Cor 5:20, “Be reconciled to God” has broad and deep implications to the church. It would not be an overstatement to say that the defining event in all of history and creation is the death of Jesus Christ. And that death of the Son of God was brought by justice. A justice that had and has at its very core, love for us. A love of Christ that says, “not them, me.”

The Justice of God seen in the Christ event has as it’s motivator, reconciliation. It wasn’t some arbitrary sacrifice to satisfy God’s law. It wasn’t simply a requirement to appease God’s burden. It wasn’t simply a payment for sin. Here is sin and it needs paid for so here’s the payment. As if God is some pawn dealer and Jesus is coming to pay the price for sin to settle up with God. No, justice as it is seen in the Christ event has as it’s purpose reconciliation. Reconciliation of the eternal relationship of God and mankind.

2 Cor 5:17-21 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

The greatest act of justice of all creation was when God’s justice was met through the sacrificial death of Christ, and that justice is complete when humankind comes to God and is reconciled to God. When the eternal relationship is restored and when the individual is given the ministry of reconciliation.

Moreover, the ministry of reconciliation is complete when that which is spiritually reconciled with God is lived out in our relationships with each other-when we dispense the justice of God that restores relationships, and seeks the good of others and does not harbor bitterness or seek revenge.

For the Christian, justice, is going beyond our mere requirements. Justice is considering ourselves as nothing and others as most important, especially the poor the oppressed, yes even those who are getting what they deserve. Justice isn’t just giving what is due. Christian justice is a love that is so great it moves one to sacrifice for another’s good.

A justice that is so rooted in the love of God that it pursues reconciliation in all relationships. We’ve got a ways to go before justice rolls down like a river. I must confess, I don’t know that I know this kind of Justice. But anyone who receives the true justice of God, the reconciling of our eternal relationship with him, must be ready to let that justice flow through them like a river and a never failing stream.