Five Year Tumorversary

Five Year Tumorversary: This Moment

Five years ago tonight I came home from my martial arts class. I have no memories of the evening. Strangely enough, though, I have a clear, distinct memory of waking up on the couch in the middle of the night. I remember standing up and walking into the bedroom to wake Heidi up. Little did I know, when I drifted off to sleep, that when I awoke just a few short hours later the page of a new chapter in life would be turning. "Chapter" actually doesn't do justice to this new time of being; "era," "eon," "epoch," might better reflect this new time. Though these five years represent a mere 12% of my life, it feels like a lifetime of transformation. There resides under the surface a harsh reality I try to suppress; a reality of profound brokenness. This brokenness permeates from the surface of physical symptoms to the hidden depths of a broken spirit. The surface brokenness is your standard physical symptoms of being a brain tumor patient. The hidden depths are despair, an ache that much pain lie ahead. Yet, today, I realize, “IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS!" How much life would have been wasted if five years ago I fed that inner ache that much pain lie ahead? What is amazing about the human life, is that at every moment, I mysteriously have the capacity to thrive in any circumstance; even those that five years ago I never thought I could have. 

It is not that I shouldn’t be concerned about my reality. The problem is that as I start compounding the issues day after day into the future, I start trying to figure out how I’m going to manage, and I don’t see how I can, I start worrying, and I leave out any possibility that life will find a way. God will find a way. 

So, what to do? "Live in the moment." All I have is what is right here. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. I know that. I’ve heard that over and over. Don’t dwell on the past. Start new every day....Yada, Yada, Yada. By "moment" I don't mean the trite saying, “Live for the Now, Dude.”No, what I mean is, a deep realization that All I have is this moment, right here.

This the hardest thing to do; to live in this moment I have before me. The past creeps up on me and shocks me with how near it appears. The future is a mystery laid out before me, and so, with anxiety I imagine what it will be. The past and the future keep crashing in on me as if they were this moment. I know they aren't this moment, but how do I embrace what I know? The only answer, and it is a hard answer, is to choose THANKFULNESS for THIS moment. This moment that has an opportunity to love those around me in self-giving ways. Again, this is hard and is something that must be chosen because it won't be natural. This doesn't mean I don't reflect and learn from the past. And, it doesn't mean I ignore the future, but anticipate it, look forward to it, and plan for it. But living THIS moment does mean I don't allow the past or the future to keep me from being thankful for THIS moment.

So, my dear family and friends who have followed this five year journey with us, I say in THIS moment: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Into…err, Out of the Wilderness Day 41

On Easter morning we affirm: We all carry loss deep within our hearts. Some of those losses seem small while others are life shattering. Some losses are really no losses at all because the life we gain from them far outweighs them all. For, as Paul says, “they achieve for us an eternal glory (2 Cor 4:17).” This is the heart of the resurrection. No loss will be wasted. God brings true and abundant life out of all our various deaths. From the smallest death of disappointment that life didn’t quite turn out the way we would have hoped, to the largest of deaths like divorce, terminal illness, death of a loved one, and finally….our own death.

When God breaths the life of his Spirit through the broken body of Jesus, he promised us that no loss of ours would have the last word. That, death, which has been such a common intruder in life, injecting us with that terminal illness of despair, will be destroyed by love and life. This is why our 40 Days in the Wilderness ends on Day 41.

Day 41 is the day after Easter. God brings life out of death and today we see the fruit of it. It can’t be a pie-in-the-sky, naive illusion to simply help us feel better. It must be experienced. It begins today, and is fulfilled in all its fulness when Christ appears.

God of Resurrection, we hear Jesus say to us: “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” God, we believe, but help our unbelief. There are so many losses we have buried deep within our hearts. Losses we have not let go of. Search them now. Give me courage to allow your Spirit to go to the empty place where I have not allowed you to go. I release the burden of that loss. I can’t carry its weight any longer. Free me of my slavery to despair, resentment, pride, passion. Whatever sin has locked the door to allowing you to take away my loss, I give up to you and freely receive your abundant life. In the name of the one who carried my sin and death deep into your heart, and rose triumphantly, defeating all sin and death by your love, Amen, Amen, Amen!

Into the Silent Land: Day 27

I’ve been preaching through the Apostles’ Creed. Yesterday was: “I believe in the forgiveness of sins.” I think this affirmation is absolutely essential to journeying in the silent land. We believe in the forgiveness of sin; that big picture idea that God in Christ has defeated sin and death. But, notice, the affirmation says, “I believe in the forgiveness of sins.” To affirm “I believe in forgiveness of sin” is to affirm, “I believe in the forgiveness of sinS.” This takes a larger theological claim and puts flesh and blood on it. While in the silent land, my mind is full of sins I can’t seem to allow God to forgive me of, as well as sins I can’t seem to release others from. Forgiveness of sins, however, frees us to live the life of wholeness and joy God invites us into. 

“God of freedom and grace, I’ve held onto sins because of shame. I’ve kept them from your grace because I doubted your grace could reach that deep. Today, however, I lay them all before you. Take them away. Take away the shame. Free me. And, as I receive your mercy and grace, I also lay before you all those sins I’ve felt from others. Strengthen me with power to forgive and extend the same grace toward others that I embrace from you. In the name of Jesus, the one who carried all sin(s) deep into your love. AMEN!

Into the Wilderness: Day 16

MRI in FOUR DAYS. I’m not real sure how to describe my MRIs as they relate to the wilderness journey. On one hand, they are like the dark cave one must enter on the wilderness path, not knowing what will be inside waiting. You can’t go over, under, or around. You must go through. You anticipate passing through, coming out into the light on the other side, checking yourself to make sure everything is still in place; all fingers accounted for, no creepy, crawly, critters hitching a ride, no vampire bat bites. In the circles I run in, we call it “scanxiety.” Yet, I find a strangely, disturbing delight on MRI days. There is something peaceful about lying there for 45 minutes; just me, my thoughts, God, and obnoxiously loud pings, bangs, whoops, and whamps. I suppose it’s knowing that this scan will get me one more quarter of a year until the next one. But, I think it’s more than that. I think there is something deep within us that longs for the truth of our lives. We want to know and be known. I deeply want to know what my brain looks like, and share that knowledge with others. Of course, in this case, I’m speaking of those pesky oligodendroglioma cells. But, on a broader level, I think we all want to make it out of the wilderness. We are content passing through the wilderness, as long as we come out of it whole, and are able to tell others of our journey we made.

Into the Wilderness: Day 15

Last night I had the amazing opportunity to speak at my brain tumor support group. I spoke about the essentiality of walking this wilderness road with others and being willing to open ourselves up in vulnerability and give and receive hospitality. To share life with another requires me to give up a piece of myself; some protection and security I wrap around my heart. When walking the wilderness road we may need to help others walking with us know that we’re okay being vulnerable. That this isn’t weakness, but even if it is, we’re okay with weakness. That we don’t need anyone to fix it, or make us stronger, just walk with us. The surprise and the mystery, however, is that when we add our lives together we get more than the sum total each other. Something new is created: 1+1=3.

"Jesus emptied himself...therefore, God exalted him." Philippians 2:5-11

God, the story I hear every day is that success is when I become truly self-reliant. Yet, I confess,  I need you, and I need others. May I open my heart, expose my vulnerability, and allow new life in. In the name of Jesus, who surrendered himself that new life may be possible for all. Amen  

Into the Wilderness: Day 14

"If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them." James 4:17

I had big plans for today. When I started this Lenten journey of reflecting on the wilderness for 40 days before Easter, I included as part of it my plans to run the “Run for the Rose” 5K the Sunday after Easter. This is a brain tumor research run. For 4.5 years I’ve been sitting on my butt feeling sorry for myself because the glory days of my athletic prowess are behind me. My goal for today was to break 9 min for a mile. The Wilderness couldn't care less about our plans, so it’s a 100% of rain all day. I also planned to be on day 17, so, I'm 3 posts behind, but sickness, busyness, blah, blah, blah… All excuses. Only one thing has kept me from keeping up. ME!

There is something so freeing about owning our own lives. Certainly when I look at myself, and as I reflect on all the people I have spiritually directed the past 20 years, what has kept us all from moving forward is an unwillingness to own our lives. Own our mistakes. Own the ways we deeply reject God’s way. It’s not complicated. It’s not easy, nothing worthwile is, but it isn’t complicated. DO THE RIGHT THING! And do the right thing TODAY. I may actually run my mile today in the rain. Check back later to see how it turned out.

Into the Wilderness: Day 13

Into the Wilderness Day 13:

A tension exists in the wilderness. The silence in the wilderness usually generates despair; at least initially. But, then a strange thing happens. We begin to wear the empty silence like well worn slippers. The silence has shaped itself around my soul like it was molded especially for me.  We don't choose wilderness, but once we commune with God in the silence of the heart, we find ourselves wondering if we would ever not choose it. This is easy to consider because it's not a choice we will ever have so we can explore it without fear. But, the silence I once feared has now become a close friend. Could it be that the wilderness is actually my first home, the home I was created for?

God who dwells in the silence of the heart, thank you for molding the silence around my brokenness and revealing that you are not absent in silence, but dwell fully there. Amen.

Into the Wilderness: Day 12

“Lord, if you are willing, let this cup pass from me, yet not what I will, but what you will.” Jesus 

One thing is for certain: No one In the wilderness says, “Aww, Lord, just a few more months. Just one more pass around the mountain. Fill up the wilderness cup one more time.” The wilderness is not a cup we drink all at once so it can quickly be filled again. No, we sip it in hopes that it will be taken away at some point. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. The pressing issue is not HOW to learn to drink the cup of wilderness, but whether I embrace the wilderness cup as God’s will. If I can’t embrace it, I will continue looking for shortcuts out, places along the way to pour out some of the cup, and miss the transforming power of drinking the whole journey cup.

God of the wilderness cup, may you renew my courage to drink the cup of bitterness, knowing that you will use the contents of that cup to transform me into your image bearer. In the name of Jesus, who drank the cup and turned it into glory. Amen!

Into the Wilderness: Day 11

“The days are coming,” declares the Sovereign Lord, “when I will send a famine through the land—not a famine of food or a thirst for water,
but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. People will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord,
but they will not find it.” Amos 8:11-12

While walking the wilderness road we find ourselves in desperate need to hear a word. What do we do when that word goes silent? Sometimes I find myself speaking FOR God. Sometimes I speak for him because I’m afraid he will, but sometimes I speak because I’m afraid he wont. Over the years, however, Ive become much more comfortable living within the silence. Into the silent land is where I am able to distinguish all the words that I have set in place of God’s words; words that turn out to be my words, my expectations, my world’s expectations, my world’s assumptions about what words bring life. Maybe my ache to hear a word out of the silence is actually the empty place left by all those empty promises that I had assumed would be filled by the noise of the world.

God of the silent land, may hope be enough to keep me walking when I realize the noise of the world can’t fill the deepest void within me. A void only filled by the deafening silence of your presence. Amen

Into the Wilderness: Day 10

The wilderness journey  isn't always covered  by a canopy of low hanging limbs casting ominous shadows on the path. On occasion we come to a clearing, and though we see the path quickly descends back into the shadows, it is these brief moments of clarity that remind us where we're going. In the clearing we see the summit and though we don't know how we'll get there, we know that the journey leads there. These spaces of clearing are God's gifts to us along the way. We don't know when they will come, and we wish there were more, but they are small sign posts along the way that we are on the right path. The challenge is whether I'll lift my head up during the clearing. Take advantage of the brief respite in the open field. Take a deep breath. Look up to the blue sky. Smile. Run my hands over the fragile flowers growing in the meadow. Or, will I keep my head down, cautiously walking with dragging feet knowing the narrow, shadowed path is just a few steps away? I don't want to miss the meadow because I'm dreading the upcoming path.

God who gives and takes away, may I lift my eyes to not miss your gifts because I dread the moment the gift is not there. May I learn to remain steadfast on the path so I may enjoy the meadow. Amen

Into the Wilderness: Day 9

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord ’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:19-24

If the Lord is my portion, is he enough? I know what the trite answer is? But, day after day in the wilderness, is the Lord enough? This is a legitimate question because God is mystery. It's not just that God is mysterious, but God is mystery. It’s one thing to act in mysterious ways; this I am content with. I have no illusions that I am going to understand the ways God is working his will and reigning sovereign over the universe. I am completely content letting God take care of that. But, what is deeply disturbing is the presence of God as mystery. In the deafening silence of the wilderness I want to feel God’s presence or even hear his voice; at the minimum I would like a gentle breeze across my cheek just to know he is there. The wilderness, however, can be a lonely place. The wilderness is that place where we need God to be the most apparent, but it's where he often seems the most distant.

If God is my portion, is that portion that too often seems as filling as the pinch of bread and sip of juice on Sunday, enough?

As I reflect even now, am I speaking to God? Well yes, I imagine he is part of the conversation. I'm trying to listen however successful. But, speaking of God in the third person just seems too distant. Rather than saying “him,” I would love to say “you.” Is God enough? Is the illusive presence enough?
Is the ear shattering silence enough?

I guess the answer all depends on a clarifying question: "Enough for What?" I'll let that one sit and stew awhile.

Into the Wilderness: Day 8

"Then a great and powerful storm tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the storm." 1 Kings 19:11 "but when Peter saw the wind, he began to sink." Matthew 14:29 "Jesus rebuked the winds and waves and it became completely calm......Who is this that even the winds and waves obey him?" Matthew 8:26-27

What happens when the storm comes while in the wilderness? To some, the wilderness IS the storm. I've discovered a slightly different storyline. The wilderness is the terrain, the experiences; the storm runs a little deeper. The storm is the weather rolling in and around and crashing against the mountainside. Sometimes it's wind and rain and hail; other times it's the scorching heat of a barren wasteland. I've found this image helpful, for at times I've thought I WAS THE STORM. As the storm rages it becomes next to impossible to find God through the layers of chaos that is the storm. As I'm able to inch my way back from the storm I realize neither God nor I are in the storm. Rather, the storm is all my misguided reactions to the wilderness path; the thoughts and emotions I whip up into a storm as I travel the steep and rugged wilderness road. This is where that yoke of Jesus is so important to teach me how to walk with peaceful, intentional steps as the terrain gets dangerous. The alternative is the storm of anxiety, resentment, despair....hopelessness. 

God who speaks to storms, "be still," and they have no choice but to obey, help me back away from the storm to see that my true life is hidden deep in you through Christ. But, as the storms begin to rage, as I know they will, please whisper through the storm that you are with me. I can't continue to take the wilderness steps without this reassurance. Otherwise, like Peter on the sea, I will begin to sink. Amen.

Into the Wilderness: Day 7

“On the seventh day God rested.” “Remember the sabbath and keep it holy.” “Come to me and I will give you rest.” “There remains a rest for the people of God.”

“Just a few more minutes.” How many times have I said that to myself? It’s a lie. I know it’s a lie. It was a lie when I said it to my mom as a child to try and eek out a few more minutes of sleep; and it’s a lie now when I think if I can just hang out under the blankets a few more minutes then I’ll be ready to get up and take on the day. As if those few minutes will magically give me the boost of energy I need. Rest doesn’t come that easy.

I can’t help but think that I similarly lie to myself about the soul rest from the wilderness. How often do I cling to this notion that some change in my circumstances will magically produce this soul rest I crave? I’ve walked the journey long enough to know that this is a naive illusion. This kind of rest is not an overnight refreshment. This rest runs deeper. This is a rest that develops over time. The sabbath is once a week. The Gospels will say, “Jesus went out… ‘as usual…’ to a solitary place to pray.” This kind of soul rest is cultivated as I learn to live in the rhythms of work and rest. There is a time in the wilderness journey to climb; there is a time to search for water; there is a time to calculate the navigation; and there is a time to stop…sit…and embrace the reality that you are in the wilderness, and it is not a one day journey out. So, a rhythm of rest is necessary.

There is a difference in resting on the journey and getting lost on the journey. Sometimes I can confuse soul rest with disappearing in the wilderness, sleeping in the wilderness. These are too long. Rest is only long enough to get your legs back under you, get your bearings and orientation about you, get your breath back…then begin putting one foot in front of the other. The fundamental principle in any endurance activity is: DONT STOP! Regardless of how slow, just… keep… moving. It is essential to pause on occasion. But, pausing to step back away and observe the journey, is not the same as stopping the journey.

"God of my endurance, in my moments of pause, may you refresh me just enough to keep on moving. May you remind me that “just a few more minutes” has no refreshing power, but simply delays the next leg of the journey. In the name of the one who turns weakness into strength. AMEN!"

Into the Wilderness: Day 6

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart...."

I understand the image Jesus uses here is a double yoke.

One would attach a more experienced animal to a less experienced one so as to train him how to plow. Jesus has invited me to come alongside him to learn the rhythm of traveling the wilderness road. 

One of the many challenges I continue to face in the wilderness is not so much embracing the wilderness journey (it doesn't really matter if I embrace it or not, I'm on it) but learning the best rhythms of the journey. I still find myself impatient that I'm not further along, medicine isn't further along, it's been four years and I'm still tweaking my meds to get the right combination of anti-seizure control, yet not walking around like a zombie, or sleeping all day. I'm impatient that it takes years and decades for new treatments to be FDA approved for the public. I want to get to the place on the journey where everyday is a smile and a skip and an authentic testimony of how God and I are through it. I want to run through the wilderness so I can look back and see the amazing journey I traveled with God and others. I want to get passed the dramatic physical and emotional and spiritual ups and downs and find the smooth, carved out path in the wilderness. 

Jesus says, "Slow Down! The wilderness isn't something to 'get through' but a road you learn to walk on." Jesus says, "I'm gentle. If you want soul rest, you're going to have to learn a slower rhythm. I'm not in a hurry. I would rather you learn to walk well, than walk fast."

God of sacred rhythms, may I learn to walk well, walk faithfully, and walk humbly, and leave the terrain up to you." Amen

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Into the Wilderness: Day 5

The wilderness is not a place of rest; and yet rest is the one thing I feel I desperately need. But what is rest? Jesus said “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble and heart and you will find rest for your souls. For, my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30. 

YES, YES, and more YES! Where can I sign up? Jesus said if I come to him and yoke myself along side him (just like two oxen attached together plowing a field), he would take the lead and chart our course of soulful rest. I’m not real sure I know what this looks like. I thought it was hard to follow Jesus. I thought taking up a cross was burdensome. I thought stepping with Jesus on the path of testing in the wilderness was soul sapping, not soul resting. What does it mean that Jesus and I yoked together leads to soul rest? 

Could it be that everything I desire rest from is born from the weariness of my burdens of life that I want to escape? When what Jesus is saying is, “yoke yourself to me and I’ll not lead you AWAY from the weary path of your life, but show you how your weary path is the VERY road I want to walk on with you. Your burden and weariness actually come from you wanting another path. Soul rest comes when you embrace your wilderness path and allow me to travel it with you.” 

God of rest, may I find a deep soul rest as I embrace the path layed out before me. May my footsteps quicken, and my heavy heart lighten, as I discover it is in the very places of my life that seem soul sapping that you want to enter and reveal to me that in Jesus' suffering you have been there all along. AMEN!

Into the Wilderness: Day 4

Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Matthew 4:10

How often do I speak to my testings? This requires the discipline to not merely reflect on my life, but reflect on the “me” who is reflecting on my life. I spend a lot of time talking to myself; speaking of my frustrations, disillusionments, unhealed pain, and guilt.

But, I need to back away from myself and not talk, but simply observe. Observe the source of the temptations, the tests. Observe myself who seems so stuck in the test and ask, “Why is this a test for me? Why is resistance to this test such a challenge? What need do I think will be met by this temptation? What kind of wholeness does this temptation promise?” Then, rather than speak to myself of guilt, shame, or frustration, I speak to the temptation, “AWAY FROM ME,” because I have spoken the truth about the lie that stands behind the temptation.

“God, your love is the source of my wholeness. I confess there are many lies buried deep within me that whisper “flesh, eye, pride will make you whole.” I speak to these “Away From Me.” Give me the courage to trust your way and the patience to wait for your filling." AMEN

Into the Wilderness: Day 3

 "Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Matthew 4:5-6

If the three temptations in the Garden (good for food, delight to the eye, and able to make one wise) are the three universal temptations referenced by John in the second chapter of his first letter (lust of flesh, lust of eyes, and boastful pride of life 1 John 2:16) then Jesus was tested with these three (turn stones to bread since you're starving, throw yourself down so the Angels will save you and will visually impress everyone with a cool trick, and finally, worship me and I'll give you authority over all the kingdoms of the earth). 

I wonder what is at the heart of the second temptation. Why do I so desperately want to be noticed by others? Why do I want to be impressive? I wonder if it is a misguided impulse to be loved? Deep down I just want to be vulnerable, I want to be held, I want to be honest about my weakness and my need to be sustained by unconditional love of another. This requires a letting go; a trust. This is the heart of faith. Jesus didn't need to test God because he didn't need the approval of others. He didn't need to be noticed because his core identity was born out of God's love. This doesn’t take away our need to be loved, but actually highlights it. May I love more and more, knowing that is my own deepest need.

Father of love, I confess that I seek to find my value in the approval of others, and the vain glory of being noticed by others. Deep down I just want to be held in unconditional love. But, your love as an idea to be believed is simply not enough. Help me feel your love in flesh and blood of others, especially as I give it away knowing your love grows as we share it together. Amen.

Into the Wilderness: Day 2

Day 2: "After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, 'If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.' Jesus answered, 'It is written:Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” Matthew 4:2-4

What was Jesus’ real temptation? It wasn’t to merely fill his cravings for bread; it was to manipulate the journey. Jesus quotes from Deuteronomy 8 where Moses is reminding the Israelites how God delivered them and led them through the wilderness for forty years. He humbled them and tested them to see if they would obey his commands. He let them go hungry so they would learn to trust God. He fed them manna, which they had never seen, so that they would know that man does not live by bread alone but by trusting in God. Jesus was tested to see if he would manipulate the journey by using power to control his circumstances by turning stones to bread. 

My time in the wilderness these past four years has been humbling to say the least. I’ve been pressed to the edge of my own limitations. I’ve been physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually humbled. There is only so much I can control. If I could have controlled more, I certainly would have. I would not have chosen the wilderness. I would have found an alternate route to where I am today. I am profoundly thankful for where I am today, but, the journey of brain cancer and the deep impact it has had on the people I deeply care about is nothing I ever would have chosen. But, the reality is, I had no choice. It is the wilderness that the Spirit has led me out to. A wilderness of testing. I can’t turn stones to bread, much less turn cancer into benign harmless cells. If I could I would, but man does not live by bread alone; man does not live by health and a secure future, but by trusting every word that comes from the mouth of God. The journey’s road before me only goes forward and I have no control to manipulate it. I can only control whether I embrace it, take step after step, and trust that just as Jesus’ wilderness journey immediately led to a ministry of “power in the Spirit” (Luke 4:14) God will move me through this wilderness and use my experience to announce the Good News of Jesus Christ that God brings life out of death. 

"Holy God, I step into this wilderness journey reluctantly, and with much fear. Though, I also realize that I have not stepped into anything. It is a journey that came to meet me. I do embrace it and trust that you will use it to bring Good News that in Jesus Christ you have turned the world upside down and that you bring life where we only see death. I believe you breathed life into Jesus' broken body. I ask that you help me see a small glimpse today that you continue to breath life into our broken lives. As your closest disciples said, so I now say, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." AMEN!

Into The Wilderness: Day 1

Day 1: “Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.” Matthew 4:1 

The wilderness is a lonely place. It's not a place to necessarily get away to be WITH God. In fact, it might be a place to get away from God; or all my projections of God. It seems that was the case with Jesus. He was led by the Spirit to be tested, but after that it was just Jesus, the Devil, and the time of testing. There were no prayers in the wilderness. Just loneliness. I've always run away from loneliness. I'm a high I on the DISK personality test. This means you thrive on social interaction. Yet, for 4 years now, I find myself running to the quiet place, the lonely place. The only problem is, I'm still there. If I could find a place where I wasn’t that might help. I think I've come to enjoy loneliness because it's there that I discover my favorite fundamental idea about me and God. “God is your being. And, who you are, you are in God. But, you are NOT God's being (Martin Laird).” It may very well be that loneliness is my deepest fear because it's there where I come face to face with God's being. Yet, ironically, loneliness may also be my deepest longing because it's there where I come face to face with God's being. Could this be what Jesus meant by claiming life is found by losing it? So, the ashes today of Ash Wednesday remind me what it is to truly be me. And, that can not be merely the sum total of these years. My life has got to be more than what I experience here in this life. For, these years are few and full of much loneliness and despair. But, God fills my loneliness by entering it and taking the depth of it into himself. God took my loneliness not simply as a one time event in the cross of Jesus, but as a core identity of who he is. This is love. Jesus is his name. Could it be that all the experiences that appear to be the death of me (loneliness, loss, pain, brain cancer, failures, etc. etc.) are actually the life of me, because it is in those very places where God most fully dwells? 

“God, help me see that the journey of wilderness (in all its forms) is not an absence of you, but a fuller awareness of you who dwell on the cross of pain and in the loneliness of the tomb.”    

Into the Wilderness: Introduction

Into the Wilderness

As the season of Lent begins today, I’ll be attempting to journey 40 days into the wilderness. Not counting Sundays, Easter is 40 days away. These 40 days of fasting and repentance model the many 40 day journeys in the bible. These wilderness journeys were seasons of testing; Moses on the mountain, Israel in the wilderness, Noah on the ark, Jonah preaching to Nineveh, the spies sent out by Joshua, Jesus in the wilderness, Jesus after his resurrection before the ascension. Dozens of times, 40 is the number of a testing journey. I'm going to be blogging through these 40 days my own journey; engaging 40 texts for 40 days of my life and simply listening for God to speak in my experiences and reflecting on my past 41 years and God’s future for me. I have no outline because the 40 day journey has no roadmap. You make the path by walking it one step at a time. I don't know what will come, so I invite you to comment along the way. As Jesus was alone in wilderness, so each one of us must take our own journey. These 40 days of Lent are a time for repentance, fasting, prayer, Scripture, silence, solitude, and service. 

One other piece to my 40 days will be my 40 day preparation for running a 5k. This is the Run For The Rose that occurs the Sunday after Easter. This run honors Dr. Marnie Rose, a pediatric resident, who herself succumbed to brain cancer. It raises funds for brain cancer research and pediatric medical interests. http://www.drmarnierose.org I’ll be posting my team’s page in a later post. 

This 5k preparation is an important part of these 40 days. For 4.5 years I’ve been sitting on my butt. After being in the best physical shape of my life (black belt instructor of TKD, could dunk a basketball, OK almost dunk a basketball) I found myself with brain cancer. The past four years have wreaked havoc on my body. This run represents a new chapter. I’m going to spend these 40 days in honest, raw reflection. I’m going to tell the truth about my life. But, along with that, I’m going to run the race marked out for me. Lent comes with a call to give something up. But, that giving up could also mean taking up. So, what I’m giving up is my excuse for lying in bed later than I should. I mean, I have brain cancer, I’ve had all these treatments (brain surgery, hemorrhaging, more brain surgery, radiation to the brain, a year of chemotherapy, I have seizure activity, I’m constantly trying different meds to combat that, to combat fatigue, I have cysts on my spine from surgery debris that cause pain). I live with the uncertainty of what my next MRI will show. I worry what my family’s future would be without me. I deserve to lie in bed a little longer. I know exercise would do me good, it’s been proven to reduce treatment related effects, it is a natural anti-depressant, etc. etc. etc. But, I’m too tired. NO MORE! Today, I begin training for the 5k.  

So, I invite you along this journey with me. you can find it at: 

http://gospelsightings.blogspot.com 

Grace and Peace,

Danny