Five Year Tumorversary

Five Year Tumorversary: This Moment

Five years ago tonight I came home from my martial arts class. I have no memories of the evening. Strangely enough, though, I have a clear, distinct memory of waking up on the couch in the middle of the night. I remember standing up and walking into the bedroom to wake Heidi up. Little did I know, when I drifted off to sleep, that when I awoke just a few short hours later the page of a new chapter in life would be turning. "Chapter" actually doesn't do justice to this new time of being; "era," "eon," "epoch," might better reflect this new time. Though these five years represent a mere 12% of my life, it feels like a lifetime of transformation. There resides under the surface a harsh reality I try to suppress; a reality of profound brokenness. This brokenness permeates from the surface of physical symptoms to the hidden depths of a broken spirit. The surface brokenness is your standard physical symptoms of being a brain tumor patient. The hidden depths are despair, an ache that much pain lie ahead. Yet, today, I realize, “IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS!" How much life would have been wasted if five years ago I fed that inner ache that much pain lie ahead? What is amazing about the human life, is that at every moment, I mysteriously have the capacity to thrive in any circumstance; even those that five years ago I never thought I could have. 

It is not that I shouldn’t be concerned about my reality. The problem is that as I start compounding the issues day after day into the future, I start trying to figure out how I’m going to manage, and I don’t see how I can, I start worrying, and I leave out any possibility that life will find a way. God will find a way. 

So, what to do? "Live in the moment." All I have is what is right here. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. I know that. I’ve heard that over and over. Don’t dwell on the past. Start new every day....Yada, Yada, Yada. By "moment" I don't mean the trite saying, “Live for the Now, Dude.”No, what I mean is, a deep realization that All I have is this moment, right here.

This the hardest thing to do; to live in this moment I have before me. The past creeps up on me and shocks me with how near it appears. The future is a mystery laid out before me, and so, with anxiety I imagine what it will be. The past and the future keep crashing in on me as if they were this moment. I know they aren't this moment, but how do I embrace what I know? The only answer, and it is a hard answer, is to choose THANKFULNESS for THIS moment. This moment that has an opportunity to love those around me in self-giving ways. Again, this is hard and is something that must be chosen because it won't be natural. This doesn't mean I don't reflect and learn from the past. And, it doesn't mean I ignore the future, but anticipate it, look forward to it, and plan for it. But living THIS moment does mean I don't allow the past or the future to keep me from being thankful for THIS moment.

So, my dear family and friends who have followed this five year journey with us, I say in THIS moment: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!